How to Manage Your DICK is one of the most unusual books you will ever read. It is also one of the most important. It is a book about self-discovery, and what it means to be a man–a serious book that deals humorously, and with a unique and brutal honesty, about a subject desperately in need of critical attention, and all too often left in the backwaters of the human mind and the social agenda. Sean O’Reilly has discovered the Holy Grail of philosophers, saints, sociologists and world leaders, a behavioral Theory of Everything which physicists have sought for generations, which psychologists and psychiatrists have tried to articulate since the days of Freud and Jung, and which philosophers have struggled to outline for millennia.
Politicians drone on about the decay of civilization and weak leadership; preachers wail about sin and moral decline; talk show hosts gibber salaciously about celebrity affairs, divorce, wife-beating and graffiti; concerned parents mutter about lewd TV shows, pornography on the Internet, guns and drugs in schools, and assaults on teachers; world leaders mutter, “we must do something” about violence in the Balkans, Africa, Sri Lanka, Colombia and East Timor; op-ed writers snarl about sodomy in the prisons and road rage, but O’Reilly, a former seminarian and prison instructor, tells us what all these problems have in common. He tells us how they relate to Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas, Einstein and Stephen Hawking, Jesus and the Dalai Lama. And in this marvelous book, with an extraordinary talent for fusing filth with metaphysics, marrying obscenity with virtue, O’Reilly articulates their common solution: Dick Management.
You will learn how the angle of your dangle is connected to collapsed quantum waves, how your dog nature can be turned to moral advantage, how your basest desires can be surfed without corroding you or those around you, how the veneration of women, children, and the natural world is the highest purpose of your Dick, which you will learn has more than one meaning. Your Dick is the elephant in the room which everyone denies, the Emperor with no clothes, the Dog with no Master. Can anyone pretend that the world’s chronic problems, from murder and rape, pillage and war, assault and insult, graffiti and torture, child molesting and domestic abuse, are not in the main caused by men? Only a fool will deny that men are the scourge of the world, they fill the world’s prisons, they are the Beast waiting to tear apart your world, rip you limb from limb, set your house on fire, and shit on the ashes. They are Stalin and Hitler, Charles Manson and Saddam Hussein, Jeffrey Dahmer and Pol Pot, Ted Bundy, Idi Amin, and ten thousand nameless demons. They are you and they are I.
But your Dick, as Sean O’Reilly tells us, can also be your baton of bounty, your dowsing-rod to the waters of life, your pointer to true happiness, your Obi-Wan Kenobi who will outlive the Darth Vader lurking in your underwear. In How to Manage Your DICK, you will learn that “Your ASS Is Behind Your Dick,” you will see how “Ancient DICK Technologies Meet Modern Physics,” and learn how to “Negotiate with Your Johnson.” You will take the PECER test and you will see where you place on the “Gandhi-Hitler Index.” You will cringe as you see yourself in “Portrait of a Creep” but you will also be inspired as you read “How a Real Man Behaves” and the “Management Tips” that follow the chapters. You will quickly come to agree that the cultivation of cyber-kinetic knowledge, or what has traditionally been called virtue is the missing link between the destructive impulses of evolutionary biology and the achievement of excellence as a human being. You will rediscover the ancient wheel of common sense as you read about the rewards of virtue and continence as they apply to everyday activities such as driving and putting up toilet seats.
You will want all the women in your life to read this book because “Every Woman Is a Dick Manager.” You will want the young men and teenage boys you know to possess this gift of truth, and the young women and teenage girls to fully understand the power that is theirs not only to bring life to the world but to encourage the men in their lives to be the heroes they secretly yearn to become. So my friends, come with me and explore the world of your Dick, and become the Manager–the Man–you have always known you could be.
B.A. Boone is a writer who lives in Northern California with his family.