CHAPTER 1

THE WORLD NEEDS DICK MANAGEMENT

  Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.

–G.K. Chesterton

Each man who has a dick and every woman who loves him and must deal with him, think they know enough to use the equipment properly, without an instruction manual. The dick appears to be user friendly–no need to learn how it works, what it should be doing or what it should not be doing. You assume that your dick will find its own way in the world. It is, after all, not a shy organ, nor an overly complicated one, and it certainly seems to have a simple enough agenda: you just use it whenever and wherever the urge takes you. What could be simpler?

Now, imagine getting into a new car that didn’t have a steering wheel, brakes or a fuel gauge. If a sales person presented this to you as a complete automobile, you would think he or she was insane. Your dick is just like that–it comes without steering, brakes or a fuel gauge. These are accessories that you must personally add to your rod in order to increase its usefulness. If you don’t learn how to steer and stop, and monitor your rod’s fuel consumption, you won’t be able to take much of a quality trip down this road we call life.

Let us step outside of the car and driver analogy and look at your dick more closely. Your dick has a dark side, a serious history that has, give or take a few millennia, three million years of evolution behind it. Yes, Mr. Dick and his girlfriends got us here, but he is also part of a biological survival system that has been associated with a history of looting, pillage, rape, torture, assault, and every form of socially destructive behavior imaginable. I’m going to make the case that these are the inevitable results of untutored, testosterone- laden dicks going about their business–cars running amok if you will–without drivers. You don’t need to look very far to see the evidence. Perhaps you saw it on the bus this morning, as a teenager surreptitiously spat on a senior citizen, or in artless graffiti tagging on fences and walls, or in a newspaper report about spousal abuse, or when someone gave you the finger on the freeway because you didn’t get out of the way quickly enough.

Your dick might also be thought of as a heat-seeking missile, and it has one simple target: a warm place to explode. But like all missiles, it needs a well-trained fire control officer. Properly guided, your dick can lead the way to love, happiness, family and fulfillment. Unguided, it can lead you to depression, divorce, illness, violence and even death. An untutored dick is a dangerous dick–ask any woman–but there are countless men who have mastered their organs and led inspirational lives. This book presents ideas about energy, moral development, and sexual management from many different cultures and philosophies that will help you become such a man. These ideas, put into practice, will enhance your moral and social consciousness and show you how to have more energy to become who you really are.

What Is Dick Management?

In our society we appreciate and teach concepts such as time management, resource management, cash flow management, personnel management and information management systems, but for the most part we ignore the most important kind of management of all–Dick Management.

Dick Management is an ecology of personal energy use that studies destructive impulses from the perspective of philosophy and science. It is a new discipline that integrates the metaphysical wisdom of the ancients, from Socrates to Lao Tzu, from Christ to Gandhi, with the discoveries and implications of post-quantum physics for meaning in our lives, and applies it to our most primitive biological urges.

Dick Management is about discovering what truly works for you and your dick: discovering your own personal life ethic. It is not about simply saying “no” or strictly controlling your desires, but rather, about saying “yes” to something larger than the tunnel vision of the Cyclops in your pants. Managing your dick is about making good choices about how you use your energy, about making compromises between what you want in the short term, and what you really desire in the long run. More importantly, it is about discovering who you really are and finding your place in the universe. Managing your dick is the beginning of a long journey toward your own future, and ultimately, an encounter with your soul.

One day the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” the Lord said. Adam looked at the Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, the Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her Children.” Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?” The good Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”                        

–Anonymous

MANAGEMENT TIPS

• Sexuality is one of our most powerful drives. By learning to manage your sexual impulses, you will be better able to manage other problem impulses such as overeating, and tendencies towards fear and laziness.

• Your will, your mind and your dick are part of an ecology that requires energy conservation.

• Your dick uses energy. You need to have a mental gauge or schematic to measure this energy use, otherwise, you won’t know when you need to stop or refuel.

• Saying no to bad impulses is never enough. You must have good reasons to say no, and then you must have the tools to implement your wishes.

• Your will is a muscle. You have to work it to build it up.